-= hopeless =-

I'm losing time here.
I'm hopelessly waiting,
For something or someone new.
I've lost it all.
Hopelessly waiting,
Waiting for something, something or someone.

You were the one who was there from the start.
When I needed you most you were far from the heart.
Yes, I've fallen from grace and I've lost once again.
Now it all falls apart, now it comes to an end.

I don't know if I'll ever be here again.
I don't know if I'll ever feel you again.
I don't know if I'll ever be here again.
But until the end I'm hopelessly waiting for you.
There will come a time yes I know.
A time for you.

This was written at 3:02 pm on Friday, February 24

-= cloud 9 =-

Man.. The clouds at this hour are simply.. Okay. I'm speechless.

=)

This was written at 5:02 am on

-= come tonight =-

Oh, why this pain inside,
When you're the one,
Whose heart is burning down.
The one you are,
The one you'll drown,
The one whose heart is burning down.

And the flu has hit me again. Twice in 3 weeks. Lovely.

And I can't help but realise that eversince I cut my hair, life has been an ass. Coincidence? Maybe.

Hmmm...

This was written at 9:09 pm on Thursday, February 23

-= rise of the chiki flame =-

There's this thing in my earlobe that has been bothering me lately. At first I thought it was somekind of insect bite but then, it doesn't itch. It hurts to press it though. It feels like there's some kind of hard substance in there. Something like a lime seed. Hmmm...

Lalalala~~~~

This was written at 3:05 am on

-= when nature calls, the earth shall drown =-

And so will everything that lives on it.

If there is one person or thing that I can relate to now, it's got to be Marvin from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. If you don't know who that is, it's okay. We're not expected to know everything. =)

This room is filled,
By the sound of silent poetry,
Whispered among the walls,
That speak of nothing.

When nature calls, we all shall drown.

This was written at 3:38 am on Wednesday, February 22

-= so it seems i am beaten =-

Slept for almost 14 hours yesterday. Slept from 7pm up til 4am then slept again at 6am til about 11am.

Had a rather interesting dream. About people coming back and people leaving. Eventhough only one person left, and a lot came back, it felt more like a loss than anything else. It was one of those dreams where you actually feel the emotion and everything in it. It was heart wrenching really. To see someone close being taken away just like that. I never had the chance. Why now? I kept asking myself in the dream. Why now?

Damn.

I don't want to feel this way but I can't help it.

I wonder how much longer I can go on.

This was written at 8:12 pm on Monday, February 20

-= the 'bag' =-

One cannot teach receptivity to sensation, but one can create a conducive environment in which one might prepare one's self for the art of evocation.

This was written at 5:07 pm on Sunday, February 19

-= the goodguy badge =-

'Man is a selfish creature. Everything in life is a selfish act. Man is not concerned with helping others, yet he wants others to believe he is.'

- Anton Szandor LaVey

I ask myself then, what then is the point of helping?

If one helps another with the intent of getting something or someone, what is the real meaning of 'help'? Does 'helping' someone also mean, 'Hey look, I'm helping you. So, you're mine now. If you won't repay me, I'll hold everything against you.'?

Hmmm...

Then where does the real 'help' go? To offer help is to offer assistance, straight from the heart. The sad thing is sometimes or most often than not, people confuse this true act of kindness for the other kind of 'help'.

It can be viewed that the person accepting this 'help and concern' is the true victim. He or she shall be brainwashed into thinking that the intentions of the 'helper' are good. It will get so bad til that one will be blind to what he or she is doing. One will think one owes the helper a living without even realising it. And in the end, the only one benefiting is the 'helper' himself.

I guess it goes to say that help is a way of payment. Help = Cash. And thus, to help and show concern to someone means buying a part or maybe the whole of someone.

They say, the best things in life are free. Yeah, it's free for you, but who's paying?

There is always a price to something. I feel like I've been offering too many freebies that now I'm broke and I can't afford to buy anything. All that I want has been bought by a much higher bidder.

'When these people are berated for their lack of discrimination or poor judgement, they invariably become all the more attracted to their exploiters.

What, it will be asked, is so terrible about such an arrangement? Nothing. Nothing but self-deceit.'

- Anton Szandor LaVey

Where has all that was once righteous gone to? I really don't know. Everybody seems to be taking away things I once cherished away from me. The worst thing is, it's happening so often that I don't feel the loss anymore. I don't seem to want to fight for anything anymore already cos I already know I can never beat anybody.

So yeah, what's the point eh?

So much for trying to be a saviour.

This was written at 11:41 am on Saturday, February 18

-= i am complete =-

These hearts are built to sound the saddest of tunes.
To ring the shades of hungry needles and scars of old longing,
Where our numbered days meet our best intentions,
Laid clouded by the weights,
We carried in our hearts and on our skin.

Where can I fall when there's no-one to catch me?
What will I do when my soul breaks?
Who'll hear me then?

Dear, keep those clouds at bay.
So this won't be just more dead poetry.
To fall upon ears that have long since gone deaf.

Let us heal these jagged exit wounds.
Wash away all the stains,
And together make things right again and never let go.

For once this feels so real.

This was written at 11:39 am on Friday, February 17

-= and so.. =-

I ask myself.

Why?

Why is this happening?

What?

What's going on?

How?

How am I supposed to react?

Who?

Who am I in all this?

Where?

Where do I stand?

When?

When is all this going to end?

I guess this are all questions I won't find the answer to.

This was written at 1:16 am on Tuesday, February 14

-= which one? sigh... =-

Watched two good shows on tv today. Whale Rider and Without A Trace. Whale Rider was a rather good story about this young girl trying to find acceptance within her own family. Her grandfather just couldn't accept what her destiny was only until she went out into the sea riding on a whale and not returning for hours.

The episode of Without A Trace was a rather sad one about how this guy sacrificed himself for this girl who unlike everyone else believed that he wasn't the one who commited murder. It later turned out the real murderer was her father. But to have someone believe in you in that way and for one to sacrifice so much was just sad.

I guess those two shows really made me think of what I have been doing as of late. All the situations I'm in. It's like my view on everything has altered.

And I've finally got the Ashram song I've been trying to get for over a month. Hope that's a sign of good things to come.

This was written at 3:00 am on Monday, February 13

-= erase the days i've counted =-

And it's Sunday. Been waking up having to blow yellowish-green mucus out of my nose for the past 5 days. Today's no different either.

Reluctantly went out yesterday. Sort of turned out to be a good decision in the end. Went to Seletar Country Club to meet up with a few people. Uncle Joe talked about how one should perceive life and he said something that hit me in the head.

Don't let other people mess up your lives.

I've been telling everyone that but that was the first time somebody told me that. Come to think of it, I did try. I did do all I can. And when I end up with nothing gained, sheesh. What the hell?

Anyway, Blade offered me an opportunity for some project he's working on. That was the first time in a long long time where anyone really made me feel like I was of some use. So I accepted it.

Sungei Road today. Sega cartridges here I come. =)

This was written at 10:52 am on Sunday, February 12

-= android =-

'You say your life is nothing more than imagination inside out.'

And yet another death looms over me. My ex-neighbour and very good friend's dad passed away yesterday. He was probably the most generous person I ever knew. He opened a tuition centre for needy kids, helped out a lot of troubled kids and was at almost all community projects. Heck, even Ho Peng Kee was at his wake. He left behind 3 kids and a wife.

Yet another person close to me loses something or someone. Why can't it be me for once? Just take me away. I'd be glad to go. All the suffering and pain all around is affecting me in a weird way that I can't describe.

Sheesh.

This was written at 5:37 pm on Saturday, February 11

-= android =-

And I now wiegh in at 55kg.

And for the first time I'm worried about losing weight.

This was written at 11:10 am on

-= lemon tree =-

Sometimes I ask myself. Why do I even try keeping this up?

I only keep hurting myself and more importantly, those I care for. And for what? For what? Things have been done and they've gone down in history. Nothing can change that. And the future that lies ahead is pretty much no better. So, why?

I really don't know. Somebody just give me a sign. That's all I ask. Should I or should I not keep trying?

I really want to. But...

This was written at 2:00 am on

-= a story for the masses =-

Too much is going on now. Divided loyalties, violation of security and severing of close knitted ties.

2006 is a freaking bad year for what I know of. Everyone around me is pressuring me into things I don't usually do. The weight of expectation is too much.

I had to go through seeing a friend whose grandma she treasured alot who had just passed away get beat up by her boyfriend's ex-best friend. They used to be such good friends but since he hooked up with his girlfriend, everything changed drastically. It's hard for me to decide who's in the wrong cos both parties have done alot to make me feel welcomed in the group.

Getting beaten up a week ago didn't actually help much either.

I also had to witness someone close and his girlfriend quarrel about every little small detail that doesn't mean much really. And to see that they are actually thinking of breaking up is rather sad.

Those are only two cases I can state without compromising the person's rights. It may seem like things like this should be of no concern to me,but it is. It's hard to understand why but that's how things are.

And now, to know that I am losing someone just because I'm trying to prove some freaking point, really makes my day.

I really don't know how much longer I can take this. Disappearing really seems like the ideal thing to do now.

This was written at 12:18 pm on Friday, February 10

-= the silent man =-

So many times I have brought you down
That I have already lost all count
And I seem to be doing it again
No matter how hard I have tried
I have crumbled time after time
And kept failing in the end

Sometimes it feels it would be better for you all
If I ceased to exist or was never born at all

So many times I have let you down
Shadowed the shine of our sun
And drowned you in tears and misery
That it is hard for me to see
How you can after all these years
Still be standing by me

Sometimes it feels it would be better for us all
If I ceased to exist or was never born at all
Sometimes it feels it would be easier to fall
Than to flutter in the air with these wings so weak and torn

This was written at 12:29 pm on Thursday, February 9

-= no more =-

Again I find myself,
Asking myself,
The same questions,
Over and over again.

Why?

You say,
You try to please everyone.
But look at me,
I'm not smiling.

All this unkempt feelings,
Deep inside,
Wanting to break free,
But afraid of what is to be.

I tried to,
I really did,
But you never let me.
I tried to fight,
But it was a lost cause.

I had no chance, it was already carved in stone.

You didn't understand me,
Honestly,
I didn't either.

I tried to ignore it,
But you did what you did to me.
Insecurity was my flaw,
And your claws dug deep into it.
Like the windchime hung from the ceiling,
Not knowing what would happen next.
To fall,
Or to chime again.

I try to salvage what's left,
But I realised,
This is the only way it can be.
This treachery.
This betrayal.
Is just too hard for me to bear.

To build a castle,
Where the gates are older,
Than the stones.
I was willing to,
But from the way I see,
It was much easier said than done,
To walk down that path again.
The path I walk now,
Is long, hard and tenebrous.
Only thorns and shards of glass remain.

Yes,
I have done what I could.
I know I tried.
And I've lost.
All that I believed in,
All that I lived for,
Was nothing more,
But an illusion of sorts.
All that was once beautiful,
Has been burnt down.

Yes, it was easy to decide who to hurt.
Did you ever spare a thought on how I feel?

And now,
This empty heart beats on,
This open mind lingers on,
In suspended suspension.
The wounds will heal.
The pain will recede.
But the scars will remain,
And serve as a memory.

And again I find myself,
Asking myself,
The same questions,
Over and over again.

This was written at 10:35 pm on Wednesday, February 8

-= moon of my nights =-

I guess it's finally struck me. I've been compromising alot for the benefit of others when in fact the only person that is benefiting is noone.

It's about time I did something for the good of myself.

Somebody once told me that you can work your ass off to be the best but by the next day, someone else will claim that position. Being second or even third best is something I can live with. As long as I know I've tried it's good enough for me. Letting go is part of the deal. I don't fight back if I feel like it ain't worth it and though I feel like I should have done more, I know it's the right thing.

Yes. There is a lot more things to look forward to than to dwell on what has been said and done. And the faster that goes by, the better. I feel like over the past weeks I've turned into someone I didn't know. I let my guard down much easier than I always do. Now it's time I change that. I'll make enemies and lose friends but that is all part of life.

Everything's very clear now. This is my revelation.

I know I've caused a lot of pain to someone in this past few weeks and I would like to take this time to express my deepest apologies. I'm sorry.

I better start working on what's important from now on. Good day.

This was written at 1:04 pm on

-= nostalgia =-

Con la vista sobre el mar
Busca entre las olas una señal
Algo que le ayude a olvidar
La verdad

Toda una vida de lágrimas
Cede a la locura y luego calla
Por amor a un día
Que jamás volverás

Cuando la rosa muera
Calmará sus ansias en letras vanas
Por amor a un dia
Que jamás volverás

Por amor a un día
Que jamás volverás

This was written at 11:22 pm on Monday, February 6

-= argh =-

I think I've screwed almost everything up this time.

Shit lah.

Is there any turning back?

Argh...

This was written at 12:22 am on

-= the seventh sunray enlights my pathway =-

Restless I seek
For unfathomable spheres of invisible light.
Sombre sources lead me astray,
Allure me into the night.

"The exhausted vagrant on his path to perdition"

Echoes of my past life I despise.
The cycle of seasons on this surface motionless lies.
Away - relieve me from the origin.
A breath - apart from smothering wilted skin.

A celestial voice:
"The seventh sunray enlights your pathway.
You feel drifted in a squall - a blast,
ascending from where sylvan meadows last..."

This was written at 4:15 pm on Sunday, February 5

-= lode runner =-

Sometimes I feel like I'm a burden to some people. I try my best but I always end up feeling like I'm trying too hard.

Someone please tell me where I stand in all this. Cos I don't think I can keep this up any longer.

This was written at 2:34 am on

-= lies =-

Baby, what do I do?
Playing my tune for you
Just to get you in the mood
Everybody's going to Hollywood
You're driving me mad
But I'm smiling to the crowd instead
A lot of money is at stake
This is a hit and that's a fake

This is what you mean to me
This is what they all should see
Make a make up in a foolish style
Telling the truth by making a big lie
When I come, I come but nothing's at ease
Breaking up the whole is a modern disease
Maybe you think tomorrow's just a joke
It's a joke after joke after joke after joke

My love, everything's an interview
And nothing's really new
And everybody's looking for clues
And you know what to do with a clue
My love, I get ready for the show
they're waiting and they will never go
This night is just to go
And it's only for show

Dig that deal and be a millionaire,
Drinking cocktails in the stratosphere,
Getting jetlagged with my business friends,
In these supersonic wonderlands
There's a flicker on the graphic display,
First he's smiling then he's fading away
Maybe he thinks tomorrow's just a joke
Tt's a joke after joke after joke after joke

Yay. Go Alphaville! Hahah.

This was written at 2:02 pm on Saturday, February 4

-= released =-

I have come to the point where there is no return
I'm losing my mind and my heart will burn
This fear inside is eating me alive again
Left alone I'm not gonna stay. No fucking way

When I cut myself and laugh at you all
I am the released one and my spirit walks out of the door
There was nothing left when I reached for you
You didn't care even then, now there bells are calling for you

I've been walking in the shadows already for so long
Don't know the difference between what is right or wrong
There is nothing to be done anymore to prevent my demise
The rope is around my neck meaning that I'm gonna die

This was written at 10:41 am on Friday, February 3

-= strange illuminated mannequins =-

Completed the game I longed to completed since how many years ago. The Goonies. Ahhh... What better game can you ask for? Cyndi Lauper's The Goonies 'R' Good Enough looping as the soundtrack.

Now you'll say
You're startin' to feel the push and pull
Of what could be and never can
You mirror me stumblin' through those

Old fashioned superstitions
I find too hard to break
Oh maybe you're out of place

I guess there's not much more to be said then.

This was written at 12:37 am on

-= fatal tragedy =-

I've been eating a lot these days but somehow it doesn't seem to bother me. It's like, who the hell cares anyway? My mom says I need to eat more, so.. What the heck? At least someone's happy.

Got Pet Shop Boy's Very album on cassette tape for 50 cents. =)

Damn. What else is there to do now?

Hmmm...

This was written at 11:08 am on Thursday, February 2